


Not One Moment I'd Erase

by justa_reader



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Break Up, New Year's Eve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 22:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5266067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justa_reader/pseuds/justa_reader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a time when their love was everything. And that's not the kind of thing a person ever lets go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not One Moment I'd Erase

**Author's Note:**

> There's a line in the Regina Spektor song, "How," about the people who always will be part of us; the memories we'll never erase. It got me thinking that no matter what the future holds for Kurt and Blaine, they'll forever carry around pieces of each other, a shared history that neither will ever lose. I wrote this melancholy little story to accompany the song, and it's about the same length as the lyrics. 
> 
> Originally posted on Livejournal, Dec. 29, 2012

_Time can come and take away the pain_  
_But I just want my memories to remain_  
_To hear your voice_  
_To see your face_  
_There’s not one moment I’d erase_  
_You are a guest here_  
_Now_  
_—Regina Spektor, “How”_

 

Blaine stopped in his doorway.

The room was dark, but he didn’t reach for the light switch. He’d spent the night squinting against the persistent glow of his friends, who’d all encouraged him relax and have a good time. By comparison, the stillness and shadows of his bedroom were a comforting respite.

Reflections of the hallway light glared in bright spots off of his mirror, the window, his picture frames. As he moved into the room, he caught glimpses of his own dark figure on those same surfaces, gliding in front of the reflected background. He was struck with the sudden desire to swap lives with the faceless reflection. This man who existed in a world without emotions. A world without longing or regret. A world where it hadn’t all gone wrong.

***

Kurt sagged into the quiet relief of his loft.

Streetlights sent beams of light through the apartment, strongest in the kitchen and darkening toward the back. The dim calm was a welcome change from the unrelenting brightness of Times Square.

He made his way to the bathroom and flicked on the light, meeting his eyes in the mirror and assessing his reflection. He looked tired, cold. When he’d agreed to accompany Rachel and Brody to see the ball drop, he hadn’t foreseen how difficult it would be to withstand the prolonged embrace of such jubilant activity. How hard it would be to keep his mood and smile light; to keep evidence of his unmended soul from crossing his features. He was supposed to be okay, after all. He was supposed to be moving on.

***

Blaine removed his bowtie, rolling it up and opening a dresser drawer to return it to the correct spot.

His eyes fell on the picture frame tucked next to the bright fabrics. It was a photo from their first prom. He smiled, remembering Kurt’s courage in the face of their classmates’ cruel jeering. If Blaine hadn’t been in love with him before that night, he’d certainly fallen in love with him then.

How appropriate that the photo was nestled with the ties he now rarely touched. Wearing one to the party had felt bitterly nostalgic. Without Kurt to share the joy of such details, bowties weren't worth wearing anymore. So many things weren’t worth doing without Kurt.

He closed the drawer, his heart feeling at once full and achingly empty over the reminder of what he’d had, and of what he’d lost.

***

Kurt turned off the light and headed to his room.

He was trying to move on from Blaine. He was. But, despite his efforts, he still couldn’t imagine a life where he wouldn’t love Blaine. Not when falling for him had been so natural, so effortless, like a gear slipping into place that powered everything in his life after that.

He wanted to turn off these feelings. To forgive. To be friends. He wanted to find love again. Didn’t he?

Kurt put on his pajamas and slipped into bed. He closed his eyes and recalled Blaine’s hopeful face on the ice rink at Christmas. He wondered, not for the first time that evening, what Blaine had done for New Year’s Eve. Kurt wished he’d been able to share this night with him. Because even when things were awkward, when conversations were stilted or when gazes went unmet, the world always felt more right with Blaine beside him, than it did without him.

He sat up, and reached for the phone on his bedside table.

***

Blaine sank down on his bed and pulled his knees up to his chest. He studied his darkened reflection, this time in the bedroom window. Peering at his clandestine counterpart, he wondered, _would it hurt more or less to be a shadow?_

At the party, he’d been unable to match his friends’ enthusiasm for the year ahead. Near midnight, he’d slipped from the room and gone onto the porch, wanting to ring in the New Year with the stars and cold air as his only companions. All night he’d felt a raw, lingering _lack_ in his gut. He couldn’t get excited for the future when his love for Kurt continued to follow him like a ghost. But as much as it hurt, he would rather carry that specter around than release it to evaporate into nothingness, as if it had never existed. Because it _had_ existed. It had been real and true and perfect. Once, it had been everything.

Blaine pulled his phone from his pocket. He tapped on Kurt’s name and met the tiny icon’s familiar gaze before dimming the screen and setting it aside.

***

Kurt skimmed his thumb over Blaine’s name.

***

Blaine let himself fall onto his side, his head coming to rest on his pillow.

***

Kurt pressed the phone number. It was a new year, and he knew he needed Blaine to be a part of it.

They were _always_.

Somehow.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a link to the Regina Spektor song. It really is quite lovely. https://youtu.be/7mBfW-CdgLE


End file.
